Our First and Last Love

I write a good deal about love, and particularly my belief in its permanence, but it dawns on me I don’t write nearly enough on the most important love of all. That of yourself. It is the foundation of not just your relationship with yourself but that of your ability to connect with others, and it likely the singular most common thing that experts in the field of psychology agree is at the front of mental-health.

How you love yourself is how others will love you.

In today’s society I worry there will be a pushback against this aphorism. We see politicians, celebrities and sports stars seemingly too in love with themselves, and we throw out the term “narcissist” without much thought to if it applies to someone, or what it even means.

Narcissus, in Greek Mythology, was afflicted with zero love for himself. He died at the well not because he loved himself, but only that of the reflection of himself. He could not be alone with himself, not for a single second — and in this his life was sacrificed. Seeking the adornment of something external. Something reflected but not real.

Now think to social media today, thousands of years since this myth. So much of what we see are not just mere reflections, but reflections of people only in their very best moments. Back to the aforementioned politicians and celebrities. Yes many (but not all) are narcissists, but in the true definition of the word: Their need for love from others is so severe that everything they do, to the highest levels of government and decision-making, is simply for a never-ending supply of pings from others that they matter. 

Imagine a life where you got this innately, internally. In the words of 20 year best selling author (‘I Don’t Want to Talk About It’) Terry Real on our podcast together that:

“…you belong, you made it. No better than anyone else but certainly no worse.”

For a good portion of my life I appeared to others to have incredible self-confidence in my abilities; and to some extent that is true. I could score touchdowns, steal bases, and set a a state record in running. I walked with a bounce in my step that people would comment on on high school almost as if I had made it in life already, at 18. Ridiculous.

Inside I didn’t think people loved me or that I was capable of being loved. To that exact point, I thought I had to score touchdowns or beat others in competition for people to love me. That is the complete lack of any form of self-love of course, it is externally conditioned. And no performance can be won for a lifetime.

But you can learn to love yourself for a full life and to a large extent, while not entirely there, I have. It’s liberating once you do. Connection with others remains just at important but it also becomes much more real. You get that you are worthy of someone’s love, and they too yours. You don’t need an “upvote” in the form of compliments or praise, you just want to be around them. 

If I could overcome this battle, I’m certain any one can. Because just as much as I belong here, imperfect and flawed but also capable of great things and of being loved, so too are you. 

Be your own reason to smile. It doesn’t come naturally for most of us, but it’s in you. And there is no more beautiful smile than your own

Mike Spivey 

We are our own griefs. We are our own happinesses. We are our own remedies.